Hi blog,
was clearing my bookmarks and came across my blog. I totally forgot i used to blog whenever i feel sad, i think cos recent years i've resorted to twitter cos it's alot easier and more convenient. I remember i used to have a blogger app that's why i still blogged.
It's always sooo interesting to read old posts, i'm glad i recorded my feelings back then bcos i've forgotten what I even forgot.
Life updates.
I have broke up with keyang, my 7 year old boyfriend. it's a decision that I have made in year 2022 april, just a week before our 7 year anniversary. honestly, i'm not sure if that's the right decision, future me please let me know if it is ok. my hands are shaking while typing this down. i guess telling friends dont really work cos now after i typed them down, it feels real now.
my life has changed so much. i went from working and thinking that i'd settle in KL for good, to working in SG now and with a new boyfriend.
im in a very confused stage now. i dont know what i want. im 26 years old now.
i thought i'd have my life figured out by now but guess not.
my blogposts were mostly talking about how good keyang is to me, but that's all in the past. it's actually quite saddening to read what he used to do for me and how much i appreciated him. now i just dont. seeing the couple pictures shocked me cos i legit dont remember posting them HAHA.
but yea. it's all over already. things got quite ugly. so we're not friends even. nobody to blame but myself. like a good old saying 自己做的选择 跪着都要走下去 unless i go die lo but so far i dont have the courage yet.
another shocking news is that kendra has left me. i have never ever ever ever pictured my life without her. i dont know if it's my fault bcos she didnt want to talk to me. after all the messages i sent to her, all she replied me was 'i've never asked you for anything, so please give me space now'. it's quite hurtful.
i am so confused. i did so much googling just to find out what's wrong. if i were wrong or if she was the one at fault. but honestly none of them matters now. what matters is that she doesnt want to talk to me.
i made a selfish decision of leaving keyang and indirectly her too since she probably thinks i have no good reason to return to KL. no idea why she has so little confidence in me, bcos we've talked about how we should still meet each other even after i work in sg.
typing all these drain my sanity and energy. i cant go into details but i think i'll remember? since these incidents are quite impactful. i was supposed to talk to a therapist yesterday but i missed the appointment.
im feeling abit cold now from all these emotions that i got from typing these. im scared, uncertain and lost. i dont know who i am or what i should do without keyang and kendra. bcos i am so used to listening to them and they have been my pillars of support for the longest time.
i have lost the most important people in my life and there is no back button.
i wish i had given more thought to my actions. such irony to be thinking about this at the age or 26 cos i thought i'd have known better.
too much negativity, cant talk about the good things that are happening in my life now, if there is even any.
i hate myself, kinda. dont know what to do. i feel like i have nobody to go back to/ lean on. ive leaned on many shoulders except for my own. so maybe now is the time i learn how.
i should really go talk to a therapist, bcos shes paid so she'll listen to me, i guess??? i'll go schedule my appointment now. :)
