I didn't notice this is a place I come to whenever I am alone and upset until I read my last post.
I wrote smth like, i hope i'll never write in this blog again bcos if i did it means that im upset.
My negativity is back again recently, and i've been hit harder than ever.
My positivity largely depends on my boyfriend and kendra, so maybe that's why it's so fragile.

Friendship
Am i doing something wrong? Am i the toxic person that every article writes about? Why dont i seem like i have many friends? Am i just somebody who is eager to please? i dont think i please people lah bcos obviously people are running away from me??
I think im just the person who's always ranting that i have no friend, but never forged/ maintained my friendships. And people love to assume i have lots of friends which i dont understand why.
Did the friendship between me and my ex bffs end bcos of me? I know im not exactly the nicest/ most pleasant person to be with, but i dont think im that bad???
Okay dont get me wrong, im upset by this but i'm not the kind of person who would just go on street and grab somebody to be my friend just bcos i think i need one. I'm just curious lah, like is this normal? is this something that should trouble me?
I'm just a ball of negativity lah, i always put people down, i always criticise people's decisions and i always just assume the worst.

My bf came in so i cant write anymore.

but i sure did something right bcos i have my bf and kendra. <3 nbsp="" p="">
I miss talking to myself like this bcos im so used to talking to bf/ kendra. they are very very nice and supportive so whatever i tell them they would just tell me that it's not my fault and im doing better than before. there's probably some truth to it but i feel like im still stagnant. not doing anything to improve myself

okay bye

Hi omg its been so long since i last written something
Quick updates!

Ended my Uni life in May
Friendship with my ex bff ended before that
Have been doing nothing except for dota during my free time
Going to start working in Aug

Everything is happening so fast!! It’s july already
Im not sure if im prepared to face the workload in EY, wanqing has made it sound so horrible
But i am looking forward to living in KL with my friends and in a condo we all picked

Does it make sense if i say i love my parents but i dont want to live with them?
They make me feel so stressed and i know they didnt act like that purposely just to stress me out
But everything they do got amplified in my head
And im so scared the self blaming voices will creep back into my head
Cos im enjoying the (more) carefree version of myself
Im not blaming myself for an uncle eating alone by himself
Or someone whose shoes are worn out

Im so far loving the positivity in my life

But i feel like they’re going to take it away

I feel so sorry and guilty to think this way but its true

Obviously theres the financial constraints which they so very often (everyday) discuss
It stresses me out when i know i cant do anything to help
Even if its just us going out for lunch, i can hear my dad grunting about money
No money for lunch la

So i quit asking them to buy me lunch when im home alone
I cook maggie instead

At night, my mom asked my dad to go and buy dinner
And my dad said, ya la all you do is use your mouth la

I feel so useless
My mom got no driving license so she couldnt just buy food for us
And me too
no one (my dad) wanted to go out and buy food

So i quit asking them to buy me dinner and decided to starve instead

I know it may all seem like im being overly dramatic
But its really affecting me alot

Why am i always starving or hungry when im home
I dont even eat much

My thoughts are just everywhere

I just came back to pontian from kendra’s house

I am so envious of her family
I know i shouldnt but i couldnt help to think that how i wont feel this way if i were their daughter
They are not rich
But they dont complain about having no money to buy food
Her parents always keep bad news or stuffs to themselves so that the kids will not be worried

What about mine?
I know they didnt purposely tell me they have no money to eat just to stress me out
But it really makes me very disturbed and frustrated bcos i know theres nth i can do to help

When kendra’s dad saw her crying
He rushed to kendra’s side and held her in his arms
Gently asked whats wrong kendra
Daddy is not scolding you
While mine is screaming at me almost all the time
Kendra’s mom is so supportive of her for whatever decision she made
While my mom is trying to make me go to sg just bcos she thinks its better

I know you’re gna say my mom has good intentions
I know too
But its my life and i wish i can have a say in it

But whatever
In the end i went to do audit as well

Thats what everyone wants right?
It earns stable income, its a reputable profession
It makes my parents proud of me

And me
At least i get the pay?

Why am i always so negative when im home

I hope i wont have the thought of writing this blog again
Bcos whenever i do, it means im sad

在一起八年十年的 都会分手
更何况是你的
有时候人家讲 哎呀暂时而已的啦
我很坚决地说 不会啊 我男朋友不会变的
可是到了现在
真的不得不说 还真的是有变了这一说

好伤心
所以他们说 谈恋爱不可以失去自我的意思就是这个吧
一旦你失去自己 就会好像陷入泥潭
爬不出来
什么筹码都没有

不得不说我的要求的确是不是正常的
可是如果你做不到 给不到
你就不要答应啊

没关系 就继续看还能这样撑多久吧😂
走一步是一步