Just felt like typing something, to make my brain feel alive. It's really something when I could pour everything ugly in me out to someone, who you know will never detest you because of your ugliness. It's just really something, a pretty big deal to me if you ask. I don't deny that I'm just as stupid, as childish, as bad, as fake as the others, as the people I scold each and every day. I'm just not any better than them, but it doesn't really stop me from gossiping; I wonder what will.
Sometimes I feel like, God doesn't even exist in me. I still could feel something, previously. Whenever my thoughts flew back to ESP, my heart gets so touched, I could not comprehend my mind, everything is just so, magical? miraculous? wonderful. magnificent. overwhelming. It's everything, basically.
The feelings are so much to me, my memory, my reminder, my anchor.
but Bible said, feelings aren't everything.
okay it's like, everything in bible contradicts themselves to me. They would say, feel God! feel God with your heart. They would ALSO say, feelings aren't everything, because feeling sometimes leads you away from God, even Demons feel, so....
yea that's the thing, I really like the feeling where I could literally feel Him, His presence, His existence, His words, His teachings. And sometimes when I couldn't feel anything, it just, doesn't touch me. Do you understand? Probably not.
I just, couldn't link myself to Him, I couldn't understand, I couldn't feel, I couldn't feel a thing.
I don't feel that overwhelming force, telling me I'm His daughter, His precious princess. I don't feel like I'm loved, I don't feel like I know him, I don't feel worthy enough???
I don't know it's just a mess.
Therefore, I shut them out.
So I won't need to worry that I couldn't feel anything,
needn't worry if i'm doing the right thing,
needn't worry if i'm sinning,
needn't to worry.
will not even learn to love.
will not do all sorts of positive, and stuffs I consider as the right stuffs.
idk it's just so messed up.
should I, or should I not, feel?
I remember Rev Julie shared before, don't depends on feeling, your faith lead you to feel God, it's faith at the first then here come feeling, so this won't be just touching for that certain time but by faith it can last for your entire life .I do feel the same thing you feel now, but someone told me I have to ask and seek God specially in this time, whenever you can't feel Him, go get Him, it's good to have the desire to seek God always, never think it's enough.
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