hi

hi haiz...
i feel so bad and naughty and everything negative :(
i'm so sorry that i'd been thinking only about myself and not You
i'm so sorry that i'd been so selfish
i'm so sorry that i'd been nothing but a liar :(

I'M JUST EVERYTHING BAD T.T
And after caigou's blog post, I know how she feels, we are taught how we will be loved my Him no matter what you did
my first thought was, then i do all the bad things altogether first, then i repent them altogether can or not???
OF COURSE NOT LAH WALAO also cannot say of course not bcos that is how it works??

anyway, when i was on my way back to Kampar on the train, I met a Malay lady, who shared about her experience with me. Hao ting is share experience lah, nan ting is trying to preach to me lol. but i still listened very attentively bcos i wanna know how muslims think.
then she told me about her illness, she had THREE cancers. breast, vagina there and another place i forgot
and i was like woah?!?! and she's 53 although she looks nothing like that. then she told me the doctor told her she had only 20% of surviving and she was so so scared. then before the big big surgery she kind of made a deal with her god Allah lah, she told him if she survived this by his grace, she'd be a devoted muslim and like um work for him?? jiu shi become like pastors ah preachers like that one i guess. she said she'd turn into a new leaf for him if she were to survive.
then she did o_o
then i was like woah? um then what came into my mind was like, if i were her right, i'd have no doubt to believe in him as well.
bcos it is so real?????? like yea zhen de hen real and she was so touched.
then she told me the muslim teachings lah, actually also not much different from our God but then got some difference like, cannot eat pork lor? but some christians don't also, she said that cannot eat pork shi bcos they already proved that pork is not good for health lah. this one i can accept in terms of health de hua hahahha
then she told me how not-muslim like she was before she got sick.
she said it's the nature of humans to seek god when people are in confused/troubled situation bcos allah made them so. she said before we were born into this world, we were in the spiritual world ??? and we promised allah that we will continue serving him after we are born into the world. but then humans forgot so.
she said it's bcos of the promise so humans will seek god like deep in their hearts and minds.

eh i wanna ask do christians says that also? or hai shi just muslims?

and i felt very... skeptical
like, everyone also have their own experiences what, it's really hard to prove to them YOUR GOD IS FAKE like that, though i have no intention of doing that lah
you see ah, my mom and dad are so so into their god, firstly ofc is bcos of it's their tradition lor, they are used to worship that god already, so they just continue lor. then secondly shi becos they also felt their gods are real. like tio lottery, my dad hor really use the sheng bei to get 4 digits and he really tio lottery. like that he sure believe in his god one ma !!! then like those 乩童 can precisely say out their past and blablabla without even knowing him also very trustworthy to them mah
and then also the muslim lady
so jiu shi like everyone dou hold their own beliefs and.... what about me
after esp i was so sure that Jesus is the only God in this world, and I was soooo passionate about christianity, about him.
after all these while, i havent been to church or their cell groups and everything, i strayed away from him. I reunited with my temptations and seductions.
what's even worse is, i don't even feel bad about it.
whenever my kuwo plays hillsongs, i click next, just bcos it makes me feeling guilty bcos of not going to church
and my mind tends to ignore the warnings that he gave me and insists on sinning.

and how i refused to rely on him
and how i only seek him when i needed help

... haih
life is so confusing
on one hand, i wish i could have fun in every way possible and really YOLO lor
on the other hand, there is God
the 2 cannot coexist.
and i am
so
so
so
haiz
i just feel bad lah that i'm accusing and blaming them behaving non-christian like when i myself dou not acting like a christian already
WHO AM I TO JUDGE?!?!?!
i always know i'm no one to judge yet i still do it.
:(
the only solution is to go to church, and listen to him all over again :(
Father I don't know what to pray already, there is just so so much
i know you have helped me in alot of stuffs yet i still ignore you and thinking i'm the one who accomplished them
but no, you are the one who leads me to 'success'
father i just pray, that you will again guide me onto the right path, so that i can again be your obedient girl.
father i pray that you will not give up on me
father i pray that you will hear me and take me back
father i repent all the sins i have commited, and i am ashamed of them
father i pray that you will solve this problem of mine
no i actually have lots and lots of problems
and i know you know what they are....
please tell me again and ensuring me again, that you're the one and only God
make me feel you again

from a strayed christian